Loving from Guilt
Self-Forgiveness
I care for a sweet feral cat named Kitty, who adopted me in 2014. Oh, how I love her! I sit with her while she eats throughout the day, giving her affection. Since she's an outdoor cat (I'm still working on getting her to voluntarily come inside), I can’t leave her food outside unattended because of other animals. So, sitting together has become our routine. If something disrupts this, I become annoyed. I get upset if a loud noise or a neighbor scares her off. I obsessively wait for her if she doesn’t show up at her usual times, and I even feel guilty if I have to leave first when we're together.
For years, I wondered why I felt so out of balance in caring for her but didn’t explore why. I kept telling myself it was because I loved her and worried about her living outside in the city. After ten years of this, I finally heard that quiet inner voice whisper, You’re loving from guilt. I knew exactly what that meant and that I wanted to stop it.
When Kitty first showed up, she had kittens. I agreed to have her fixed, and when she returned from the procedure, her kittens were gone. I was shattered. I blamed myself, and the guilt was unbearable. Over time, I buried the memory because it hurt too much. I became determined to take the best care of Kitty, but at what cost?
In that whispered moment, I realized my love for Kitty had been clouded by buried pain. These hidden emotions fueled my intensity, keeping me trapped in guilt and the need to control, leaving me stressed and agitated. Hearing that quiet voice tell me the truth I had subconsciously known all along was like having the prison door open and my shackles gently fall away. I wanted to stop this old pattern and focus on practicing love—for myself, for Kitty, and for everything that once triggered me.
Why do we so often make love conditional, even when we know that isn’t real love? It seems like we’re trying to protect ourselves, yet we end up causing more pain instead of allowing more love. Animals love unconditionally—that’s why I love them so deeply.
I realized this operating from guilt pattern wasn’t just about my love for Kitty—it extended to other areas of my life as well. True love trusts and accepts whatever happens in each moment, without judgment. It isn’t conditional. That sounds like freedom and I want it.
This feels overwhelming though. How do I tackle being unconditional after a lifetime of conditional behaviors? For starters, I want to stay conscious of my emotions and stop running from them. Then, practice trust that I will learn how to navigate as I go. In this case, it only took a moment of clarity for me to admit that guilt was driving my intensity in caring for Kitty. There was nothing more to unpack.
So, I forgave myself. I released my self-judgment. The realization was profound, and the choice to change became effortless. When I feel that familiar urge to control tighten in my body, restricting my breath, I pause and choose to stay present instead of letting it control me.
Now, Kitty and I hang out peacefully. If she gets scared off, I patiently wait for her return. If she’s off schedule, I trust she’ll show up when she’s hungry. I’m fine leaving first when I need to. While I knew this was the logical way to be, it now feels like a choice, not a struggle.
What’s amazing is that without that conditional, guilt-driven love, there are fewer disruptions! This is what it means when you change: everything changes. Kitty and I now share a calmer, happier connection, and I no longer need to play the self-imposed role of "momma mountain lion" ready to attack.
Life will always present challenges and emotions that test us. It’s natural to want to avoid pain, but the reality is, we can’t escape it. At some point, we must face it—or it will face us. This isn’t easy, but with practice, it becomes less scary and more natural.
Staying conscious, being honest, and setting clear intentions, we can change how we relate to our struggles and feel safer in doing so. Sometimes, a single realization—like You’re loving from guilt—can shift everything in an instant, moving us from pain to a healthier, more loving connection with ourselves and those we care for.
Sincerely Searching💓